ღ Sometimes To Go Forward You Have To Go Back ღ
by Brunette.Geek.Goddess
Summary: ღ au, dean ambrose x oc, !dark/sexy ღ When Dean Ambrose finds himself suspended for a little while, due to the things he's done to Katya, his former girlfriend, and he's commanded to see a shrink who suggests that he go back to Ohio and "get his head together", he does it just to get away from the shrink. But what he finds when he goes back to Ohio might just be a big surprise.
1. Chapter 1

[ disclaimers and blah blah blah here ]

I don't own the wwe or the superstars on the roster. I wish I owned a few of them, but no... I do not. I'm not profiting from this and reviews are loved. Sorry about taking down my other one, but this idea struck me, and I liked it way better.

This story is different, in that I've noticed in some Moxley promos, circa the time he was with Trina Michaels, he seems to have a predetermined type. So, this will be a lighter shade of Ambrose dark sexiness. And it's not real, I made it all up. It's called fanfiction. It's based on a dream I had, **loosely**. And it sort of goes back (via flashbacks of course, I may or may not sit down, write a prequel to this entire series later on, when I'm farther along with the two pending sequels.) to pre wrestling career, when he's around 17 or 18, really just starting to break into the whole wrestling thing. I watched a really revealing interview that he did on youtube, and I'm going to attempt writing what he might be like when cameras aren't always on him.

There will still be darkness, sex and a lot of other subject matter. Because neither my oc, nor Ambrose had perfect and shiny happy pasts. They each have their own reasons for things they've done, and those will come out along the story.

I have a tumblr now, god help me, so if you want to follow me and get definite update news first, then the link's on my profile.

Also, bear with me, this one might be a little slow in getting started and at times, he might be a few shades OOC, I'm writing this as if he's having trouble distinguishing Jonathan Good from the wrestling persona, Dean Ambrose, with bits of each side of respective personalities present. If this will bug you, then it's not a good idea to read it.

First chapter will be up soon, so if you like the idea in general, then bookmark, review if you really want to see it, and yeah, you get it.

[ **SOMETIMES THE PAST IS THE FUTURE... **]

The last thing Dean Ambrose expected was to be suspended, due to his actions towards Katya Vodavatov, but that's exactly what happens. The lines between gimmick and reality have been long since blurred for Dean Ambrose, but when he's recommended to a "shrink", and the man recommends that maybe a trip back to Ohio, where everything started for him, is in order, he's reluctant.

But when he ultimately decides to go, will his past wind up catching up to him?

Is going back really the answer to moving forward for Dean Ambrose? Keep reading and find out.


	2. Chapter 2

[ PROLOGUE: WELCOME TO THE MASQUERADE ]

_I'm not one to scare the masses_  
_But there's some things that melt the plastic_  
_Try and dig down deeper if you can_

_I'm not afraid_  
_I'm not ashamed_  
_I'm not to blame,_

_I'm not okay_

_welcome to the masquerade_

_welcome to the masquerade, thousand foot krutch_

* * *

_"Mr. Good.. You were sent here for personal issues. Your boss seems to think therapy and time off will help you a great deal." the shrink started, as he barely looked up at Dean Ambrose, who stood in the doorway, a complete no nonsense look of non amusement on his face. "Come in, so we can get started." the shrink spoke again, calmly, almost as if he thought Dean were a mental incompetent._

_This did not make the man happy. He glared and sat, crossing his arms, then said calmly, "Let's get this straight. It's Ambrose. Dean Ambrose. Not Jonathan Good."_

_The shrink raised a brow, made some notes on a pad, then said "And how long have you been identifying your true self with that of your character?"_

_Dean gaped at the man, his fists tightening as he said through gritted teeth, "I'm not crazy. I know the difference. I'd just rather be Dean Ambrose. Too many negatives associated with the name Jonathan Good."_

_"I see, sir. I'm not trying to upset you, only trying to understand you." The therapist spoke again in that smug voice that Dean was already beginning to hate. He was having thoughts about just calmly bashing the man's head off the asylum white walls of his office, painting their pristine surface red._

_The doctor studied him a moment and said "The question and answer routine is getting me nowhere. Lie on the couch." as he pointed to a sleek and uncomfortable leather couch._

_"The fuck am I gonna do that for?" Dean asked as he glared. The doctor leaned in and said with a smirk, "If you don't follow my every direction, to the exact order, sir.. You will not be going back to the job that you love so much that it's becoming who you are. Now. Lie down."_

_Dean grumbled, but he lie down._

_"Close your eyes."_

_He glared and then said "Don't try any sick shit or I'll kick your fucking teeth in. Clear?"_

_The doctor chuckled and then said slowly, quietly, "When I count to three, you're going to fall asleep.. While you are asleep, you are going to see everything that makes you hate Jonathan Good, makes you feel you have to become your in ring persona, Dean Ambrose, to cope."_

_He counted down slowly to three, and sat there, waiting._

_Dean's mind began to drift slowly, and before he knew it, he was back in that shit hole apartment he grew up in. He was back with his mother, her drug habits, her men, all of it. He saw them taking his baby cousin, Serena, and he saw her.._

_It'd been a long time since he'd seen her, and seeing her, now, laughing, watching him play basketball at the park with his boys after school, it only brought perhaps the first genuine smile that the male in hypnosis currently, had smiled in at least 8 to ten years._

_Her name was Mandy, and she'd probably been one of two bright spots in his life. But, he'd left her behind for his first love, professional wrestling._

_"Mandy." he muttered as the shrink's brow raised, and he jotted down the name. Maybe recommending he return to Ohio was a wise decision. He was considering it, because judging by the squirming and yelling, the swearing and at times outright fear present in the man's voice, whatever started this trauma,was back there, and not here.  
_

_He'd heard more than enough to suggest that this was exactly what was needed. The skeletons in this man's closet were long overdue to come out, judging by the interview itself, the scattered and erratic way he rationalized the attack and rape of his former girlfriend, fellow Diva, Katya Vodavatov, who was also another client of his._

_At the end of the day, the therapist just wanted to help this man, because he seemed in dire need of helping._

* * *

O.0.O

The doctor snapped his fingers, just as Dean started to remember leaving her, the way they parted, the things she'd said, the way she'd looked, standing there in the rain, crying a little, hurt a lot by the things he'd told her.

He thought he was doing her a favor, and he'd done what he had without once looking back. But seeing it all replay in his mind in his therapy session today showed him that maybe he'd only hurt himself in the long run. Still, he digressed, he was not crazy, he was not losing it.

He just preferred being Dean Ambrose, all the time. He'd been this way for so long, first with Moxley, then later on and now, Ambrose, that he honestly did not answer to Jonathan Good anymore.

And somewhere out there, there was a girl who ALMOST had his original last name. And he'd walked away, left her with more questions than answers. The rational side of his mind saw this, hated himself for it, but the other part of him, the "monster" that McMahon, his ex girlfriends, and any of the ring rats that knew him saw on a day to day basis, rationalized his doing this by saying that it was for her own good, he was a bum, he'd never deserve her, he'd never be good enough for her.

The doctor looked at him then said "I want you to use your suspension and go back to Ohio. That's where all of this began for you, Mr. Good."

"It's Ambrose. Not Good." Dean insisted through gritted teeth, as he glared at the doctor and then said "I'm not goin."

"You will if you want to be released from this program." the doctor said as he waved his wrist, shooing him out the door almost.

Once Dean was in the hallway, Seth and Roman emerged and asked expectantly, "Well? What'd the head shrinker say?"

"Cute, Rollins."

"Well, it's the truth.. Did he realize that you can't be fixed so we can drop this shit, get back to doing what needs to be done?" Roman asked expectantly, as he crossed his arms, stared at Dean.

"Hell no. The fuck told me that if I want out of this, I have to go back to Ohio. Or I won't be allowed to come back."

The two males gaped at him. Both of them knew that Dean took great pains to avoid Ohio, if at all possible, unless they had a show there. He'd had a bad childhood, a bad life, and Ohio was where the worst parts of his past were lived out. And the doctor wanted him to go back there?

"That makes no fucking sense." Seth growled as he looked at Dean who said quietly, "I think I'm gonna look for someone while I'm there."

Roman caught the subtle change in his voice and raised a brow, wondering what was up with his friend. But he said nothing for a few moments, merely observed him quietly, carefully.

"So.. when are you leaving?" Seth asked, finally as he looked at Dean, their leader.

"As soon as I can get a fucking flight." Dean said stiffly as he looked at the two men, who while his closest thing to friendship, actually knew nothing about him, the real him then said "I'm gonna go back to the hotel and pack. Ya two dumbasses call me later."

He walked off, with only one real goal on his mind. And he didn't even really realize that he was thinking about it, obsessing over it, until he sat down at his laptop, typed in her full name.

What he discovered shocked him and made him sick. It also convinced him that maybe he did need to go back to Ohio. Because maybe she needed him as much as he'd die before admitting he needed her right now.


	3. Chapter 3

[PROLOGUE 2:BECAUSE MAYBE, YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME ]

_And all the roads that lead you there were winding_

_ And all the lights that light the way are blinding _

_There are many things that I would like to say to you_

_ But I don't know how_

_I said maybe _

_You're gonna be the one that saves me_

_ And after all_

_ You're my wonderwall_

_Wonder Wall, Oasis_

* * *

_The alarm clock cut through an unusual dream about a guy she tried NOT to think about all that much, given he'd pretty much confirmed her belief that men were only out for themselves, anyone else was a casualty of war. A man she'd given her heart to, her body to, and he'd bailed on her with hardly an explanation.  
_

"_Fuck it. Gotta make money, right?" she muttered, still half asleep. She found it odd that she would think of him now. Jonathan Good. Even the name bought forth a scowl on the curvy blonde as she thought about the dream itself, while putting on her makeup, then the required 'work uniform'._

_"Fuck that bastard. He didn't need me or want me, he lied to me. Why the fuck do I think about him now?" she asked herself as she dug around, found her keys on the dresser. Feeding her dog, she patted his head and then locked down her apartment. The drive to the nightclub she worked at was a quiet one, and she couldn't shake the whole dream she'd had earlier._

_The overall air of aggrivation hadn't left when she'd arrived, and within five minutes, her boss proceeded to piss her off, when he told her that some "big spenders" were in VIP, and she basically needed to go in, be sexy and serve drinks. By the time her smoke break rolled around, and she was sitting in the alley, with the stilettos sitting discarded beside her, checking out her Twitter, while smoking, she'd pretty much dismissed the dream she had before work as just mental torture, nothing more._

_Until she saw a tweet from some guy who called himself DeanAmbrose. She knew enough about Jonathan's career to know that it was him, so she deleted it, shoved the phone back down in her pocket._

_But inside, her heart rate picked up just a little bit. After all this time, he was coming back to Ohio? Why? He'd made it clear just how much anyone who cared about him meant to him when he left the way he did._

_Suffice to say, she went on with work, with her normal routine as if nothing were up. So he'd tweeted that? So she'd dreamt about him for the first time in years, and he'd been on her mind a little lately? It meant nothing. Fuck him._

_After she clocked out, she did her usual bit, counting tips, drinking with the other girls who worked the seedy nightclub, having a few laughs, when Alexis came over and said "Your phone, girl.. Text is blowin up."_

_She looked and raised a brow at the number, then shrugged before deleting the texts. "Probably some fucker I hooked up with last week. He's gotta know, if I ain't called his insignificant ass yet to repeat, then I didn't think he was a good fuck." she said casually, as she covertly texted back the new text she got just that second with "Don't know who this is, but I've had a long damn night, not looking for sex tonight."_

_She slid her phone back into her pocket, then grabbed her jacket, headed back home to get some sleep... And the dream started all over again, as if her mind wanted to torture her with the worst moment she'd ever had in her whole life. With a man she'd worked her ass off to forget._

* * *

_O.o.O_

Mandy flopped down into bed, exhausted, thinking nothing more than getting some much needed sleep. But the phone lit up and she rolled over onto her stomach, unlocked the screen and read the post on her Twitter timeline. She rolled her eyes and replied quickly,

"This is a sick joke. Stop it, you pathetic fucking creeper. You are not #legit, because the real Dean Ambrose doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself."

Satisfied that the whole thing would be over, she shut the phone, rolled over, shoved her head underneath a pillow and let herself drift off to sleep. And then about 15 minutes later, she grumbled when the phone lit up again. She read the new Tweet and laughed, twisting a strand of her hair around her fingertips.

Instead of answering, she posted a bunch of crazy and wild photos of herself and some of the girls she worked with on a Vegas weekend. Then she put the phone down and her eyes set on her laptop..

Google worked miracles now days, so she logged on, typed in his name, snickering at the stuff he'd gotten himself into since he'd been gone. Some of it hurt her, but she'd never admit it to anyone, because she knew the real guy, not this bastard he'd transformed himself into.

A lot of it sickened her. And made her think that maybe he'd been right to leave like he had. But then the nagging thought at the back of her mind as she drank a tequila sunrise, and sat back in her chair, legs up on the desk, was that the character he was and his true self were two very different people, but maybe he was losing himself in the character.

And this had her worried for him, wanting to reach out. She bit her lip and wrote down the number that came up for him. Then she growled at herself and balled up the napkin, threw it in the garbage. She had mixed emotions, and it wasn't smart to make a decision while drinking.

Even though she drank almost every damn day. One of her many vices, over indulgences. She wasn't a good person either. She'd never tried to be a good person. The closest she'd come, was the short time Jonathan Good had been a part of her life. But then he'd gone too, and she was sick of being hurt. So, she'd put up walls, started going wild, taking risks, living life...

And sadly, she still felt empty inside.

Nothing excited her, nothing made her feel the fire she felt when she'd been with Jonathan. But that was over now, that was a part of a past that 90 percent of was best left forgotten, left in the back of her mind, in the dark.

The phone lit up again, and she raised a brow at the number, at the same text she'd gotten last night. Instead of answering, she growled and threw the phone onto the nightstand, as she fell back onto the bed. She'd never get to sleep at this rate and she completely blamed him, Jonathan Good / Dean Ambrose, whatever the hell he was calling himself these days. Not that she cared, of course.

She just wanted him out of her mind. He'd tortured her enough back then with his promises, his swearing he loved her, his claims that he'd change.

Why reach out now?

That was the main thing she wondered, as she lie there in bed, tried desperately to get the much needed sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

[PROLOGUE 3:MORE THAN A MEMORY ]

_People say she's only in my head_  
_It's gonna take time but I'll forget_  
_They say I need to get on with my life_  
_What they don't realize_

_Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone_  
_Driving cross town just to see if she's home_  
_Waking a friend in the dead of night_  
_Just to hear him say "it's gonna be all right"_  
_When you're finding things to do not to fall asleep_  
_Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams_  
_That's when she's_  
_More Than a Memory_

_Took a match to everything she ever wrote_  
_Watched her words go up in smoke_  
_Tore all her pictures off the wall_  
_But that ain't helping me at all_

_More Than A Memory, Garth Brooks_

* * *

_He woke up in the middle of the flight. The music had stopped, his phone had died. And he growled when he read the only messages that Mandy sent to him, getting frustrated. Deep down, he knew that he deserved everything she threw at him and then some, but he couldn't help but be angered by it, feel betrayed by it. _

_She'd fucking promised him. She'd never leave him, she'd wait for him, always, no matter how long it took. Of course, that'd been before he left her, but.._

_A promise was a fucking promise, was it not?  
_

_But the more he sat there, thought about it, the more he came back to the conclusion, deep within what was left of his sane and rational mind, that he'd left her high and dry more than once. And what they'd been through back then, together, well, it'd been hell. So when he'd left, he thought he was doing her a favor, getting away from her._

_But it still hurt like hell that all they had, everything they'd been to one another, it all came down to this. Rude tweets and ignored texts. _

_"I'm fuckin kiddin myself if I think this is gonna go well." he said as the pilot announced that they were about to land in Ohio. He looked at his watch, impatiently. Parts of him wanted to go back, but parts of him were compelled by this new obsession, fixing this with her, with Mandy. Or at least trying to.  
_

_Surely, she fell in love with the real man, she could love him like this, couldn't she? He grabbed his bags, stepped off the plane, flexing his shoulders, his neck tense from the flight. His eyes scanned the airport, hoping he'd catch a glimpse of her, but he found noone waiting on him.  
_

_He sighed, grabbed his luggage from baggage claim and hailed a cab, looking at the address that he'd gotten on her, from google the night before. _

_"If she won't come to me, then I'll just go to her, god damn it. But she's not gonna fucking get by with ignorin me." Dean said calmly, a smirk filling his face as he raked his hands over his hair, got into the cab._

_O.o.O_

Mandy stretched, growled when she heard knocking and yelling from her porch. Then a few moments later, the front door opened and he stepped in, dangling her spare key, raising his brow at her. She leaned in the doorway of her den, wearing a t shirt, some panties, a lit cigarette dangling between her fingertips, eyeing him with a hardened scowl.

"Get the fuck out of my house, Jonathan Good. I don't fuckin want ya here." Mandy said as she shoved past him, shut the front door, turned on the radio in the corner.

Dean looked around the room, noticed all the alcohol bottles, noticed all the paintings she'd done since he'd been gone. "Now that's not a way to talk to the man who was almost ya husband." he said quietly, as he gripped her wrist, turning her, making her look at him, holding her gaze before asking, "What the fuck did ya do that shit to ya hair for?"

"Blondes have more fun, Jonathan. And I like to have fun." Mandy said dryly, as she flicked her ashes into an almost full ash tray, and looked at him. The knot in her throat grew. Yeah, nothing like your ex fiance walking back into your life to make you tense, unsure, angry and hurt, all at the same time.

"Looks good." Dean said after a few moments, reluctantly releasing the grip on her wrist. "Ya ain't eatin." he said as his eyes danced over her body.

" I am so. What the fuck are ya even doin here, Jonathan?" Mandy asked, her temper getting short for a moment, as she uncapped a bottle of tequila, took a long sip and wiped her lips, wincing at the burn.

"Came to see ya." Dean said casually before adding, "I go by Dean Ambrose now."

"I don't give a shit if you go by E.T. Ya name is Jonathan Good." Mandy said with a disinterested sneer as she leaned in and said "Aww. Someone gettin mad because I ain't afraid of him like those other little weak ass bitches he's known for tormentin? Gotta hand it to ya, Jonathan.. Ya definitely got a type. Trashy, blonde and mouthy."

"Maybe it's because I never could control or replace ya." Dean said as his hand went to her cheek, only to be swatted away a second later with her saying, "Don't fuckin dare touch me again, Jonathan Good. Ya gave up any and all rights to touch me when ya walked out on me two hours before our god damn wedding."

"We were fuckin kids, Mandy. Ya had to know it wasn't gonna last." Dean explained impatiently, as he sighed and sat down before continuing, "Besides.. There was too much shit gone wrong.. And I am not a good guy."

"There was.. But we coulda worked on it, faced it together, but guess what? Ya fucking ran. I needed ya, and ya fucking bitched out on me. So look.. Memory lane and my legs are closed, Good, Ambrose, whatever the fuck ya call yaself these days.. Just fucking leave. Now."

Dean looked at her, biting his lip, trying to keep from exploding in rage. But when she got up and opened the door, pointed him out, he glared and stood, calmly walked over to the door, slammed it shut. "I ain't leaving."

"The fuck ya won't. I'll call the cops, Jonathan." Mandy said, rising to tiptoe so she'd be mid chest, almost eye level with him, exhaling smoke in his face.

He grabbed the cigarette and threw it down on the floor, stomping it, as he grabbed her throat calmly, as he sneered and said quietly, "Do it, Mandy. But first, I want ya to tell me one god damn thing.. Ya still want me, don't ya?"

The fact that she refused to meet his eyes was a sure sign that it wasn't too late. She grabbed his hand, pulled it down from her throat before slapping him and saying, "Fuck you, Jonathan." and walking down the hallway to her bedroom, slamming the door shut, locking it.

She sank down to the floor, her head in her hands, her body shaking in anger, in want, in fear. The look in his eyes now was almost scary.. He was so cold. He clearly needed help.

Dean flopped onto the couch when the phone rang. He picked it up, his brow raising in disgust when he heard a familiar voice on the line.

"What the fuck are ya doin' callin Mandy?" he snarled at the man on the other side of the phone. The man laughed and then said "Whoever the fuck this is.. Tell Mandy to get her ass in to work earlier tonight. We got VIP clientele comin in, and they asked for her." before hanging up.

Dean growled and in anger he pulled the phone out of the wall before storming down the hallway, trying to calm himself. But as he stood in front of her bedroom door, the anger had him shaking, he was blacked out on rage and he kicked in the door.

Mandy looked up from doing her makeup and then said calmly, "Hope to fuck ya know ya gonna fix that." before she finished putting on her lipgloss.

He grabbed her and spun her to face him, then looked at her, trying to find words, then he finally said quietly, "The fuck? I leave and ya start workin in that god damn strip club? Hell no."

"You.. Don't control me, Jonathan. Now fuckin move. I've got money to make." Mandy said calmly even as her legs turned to jello and she was so scared she couldn't stand.

"The hell ya do." he said as he stood in the broken doorway, arms out, blocking her. He grabbed her cell phone, and found the number in her contacts, held out the phone. "Call him. Or ya won't like what happens to ya."

"That so, Good? So we're movin up from rapin women to beatin 'em and threatenin em if ya don't get your way?" Mandy asked, smirking disdainfully at him.

"That isn't any of ya business. Now call him." Dean growled, right as his own cell phone rang. And then he heard Seth on the other end, and he walked downstairs.

"We decided to come with you." Roman said as Seth grabbed the phone and added, "Someone's gotta make sure you don't fuck this up for all three of us."

"Can't ya two fuck off? I'm busy." Dean growled in a low voice into the phone. Roman and Seth looked at one another then said "Nope. Actually, we're on the road to where you are, now."

"God damn it." he said as Mandy shoved past him, stopping long enough to say over her shoulder, "Don't wait up for me. And if ya leave, lock this fucking house. We'll finish this conversation later. If I'm not busy with something I'd rather be doing." as she went to get in her car.

Dean hung up quickly, ran to her car and grabbed her, picking her up over his shoulder. Then he walked back inot the house and locked the doors. "Ya ain't goin."

"There's not a damn thing you can do to stop me, Jonathan."

"Wanna bet?" Dean asked, leaning in, forcing her to kiss him. She glared, and was about to headbutt him, but he backed up and then said quietly, "Just let me talk to ya."

"Fine. Ya got ten minutes."

Mandy glared at him as she said this, her arms crossed, as her eyes flickered down to the tiny footprint tattoo on her inner wrist. Another casualty of their young love. Another thing that proved to be a big factor in their end as a couple.

Because there's some things you can bounce back from. Losing a kid isn't one. And them being so much alike, their grief turning to anger, things went downhill at a steady pace.

Dean paced in front of her as he muttered to himself, trying to find the perfect words to say what he thought he needed to say. But when he stopped, looked up at her, he couldn't. Instead, he sat down next to her and then said quietly, " Ya right. I left ya alone."

Mandy's eyes went wide, and her hand went to her long blonde hair as she bit her lower lip, studying him intently. Had he really just said that?

"Wow. That's an impressive new trick. Even for a liar like you." Mandy said as she scooted away, removed his arm from around her shoulder, sickened with herself at even considering hearing him out, after he'd just abandoned her back then, cut all ties to her, walked away like she meant nothing, like what they had meant nothing.

She settled back on the couch and then said "Wanna smoke?" as she held out her pack of cigarettes to him, and her lighter. He looked at her and then said "I fucked everything up. Just like I told ya I would.. And if I don't do this, come back here, deal with all the shit I did then, then I can't fight anymore."

Mandy began to laugh, then said "That's it.. Ya came back because ya had to? Classic fucking Jonathan. Ya can go. You're off the hook for anything ya ever did to me. And if it makes ya feel better? I didn't expect ya to be the guy ya kept tellin me you'd be."

Dean looked at her and then growled, wanting to slap her, but knowing that she was as tempermental and as unforgiving as he was. It'd been ingrained in both of them because of how they'd grown up long ago. "Just let me finish, would ya?"

"Fine. Finish."

"Something happened when I talked to my shrink before I left.. And I thought of ya.. And now, here I am.. And I'm stayin for a while." Dean said as he smirked at her.

"The hell ya are."

"Don't fight me, Mandy, because ya know I'll win." Dean said as he looked at her. Then he picked up her cell phone and called her boss, saying boldly, "She ain't comin in tonight. Because she fuckin quits, because I said so, that's why."

She glared at him and then said "You fuckin fuck. Now what the fuck am I gonna do?"

"Get a fuckin job where you're not getting naked for money. Disgusts me."

"Then get the fuck out." Mandy growled, glaring at him defiantly, before saying, "You made this. You made me this way. Now you're gonna come back and demand me to do shit? That's not how this is gonna work. My fucking house, my rules."

"We're not doing this."

"We are, Jonathan. Because you stopped factoring in to my life choices when you abandoned me, two hours before our god damn wedding, you son of a bitch, and without even a goodbye, fuck you, rot in hell, at that."

For an hour, the two of them sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts, their own personal memories of what they were, what they almost had, what they could have been.


	5. Chapter 5

[PROLOGUE 4: YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME ]

_Shot through the heart  
_

_And your to blame_

_Darlin you give love a bad name.._

_An angels smile_

_Is what you sell_

_you promised me heaven_

_then put me through hell_

_You Give Love A Bad Name, Bon Jovi_

* * *

_He watched her with his brow raised as she opened the second bottle of whiskey, already practically falling as a result of the first bottle she'd drank, completely alone.  
_

_He'd tried to get a shot, and she'd thrown the remote at his head, shouted swear words at him as she glared at him hatefully. Sitting here, watching someone else self destructing for a change, and not doing it himself was a bit of an eye opener. Not the rude awakening he needed, but an eye opener one in the same._

_"Mandy, put the god damn bottle down. You've had more than enough." Dean said as she turned on her heels, and put her hand on her hips, a cigarette dangling from between her fingertips as she laughed bitterly, leaned into his face almost falling into his lap as she did so and said in a hiss, " You.. don't fuckin own me, Jonathan Good. I'll fuc, I'll fuckin tell ya when I-I've ha,Had enough."_

_Dean shoved her down on the couch, and walked around the small and messy, brightly colored living room, grabbing all the liquor bottles, discarded beer cans. The knock on the door had him stopping, stiffening as he heard Roman and Seth call out to him from the other side._

_Before he could stop her, she'd ran to the door and flung it wide open, standing in a thigh length t shirt, a pair of red lacy boy cut panties as she licked her lips, eyes glimmering mischeviously and openly fucking both males on the other side of the door with said eyes._

_Seth gave Dean a raised brow over her shoulder as Roman tried his best to navigate her back indoors, and somewhere that wasn't draped on him like a second skin. He warily looked at her, then walked into the kitchen, finding Dean dumping liquor and whiskey, beer down the sink._

_"Any reason you're wasting alcohol, man?" Roman asked sagely, as he leaned in the door frame, arms crossed. Without looking up, Dean swore aloud then said "Because since I been here, she's fuckin drank two of those big bottles of tequila. And she ain't letting up anytime soon."_

_"And you give a shit because, Ambrose?" Roman asked, his hand going to his hair, as he looked at Dean with a curious expression._

_"Because I fuckin did this to her, man." Dean said as Roman raked his hand through his hair, struggled to keep from pointing out that he'd also done things like this to Reby, and to Trina and to Katya more recently, but he simply opted to nod his head and say "Oh."  
_

_Because that was probably a much wiser choice given Dean's violent streak as of late. The man was close to snapping, it was only a matter of time. And Roman wasn't willing to be the one who pushed Ambrose "too far"._

_Mandy walked in and then glared at Dean, who was still emptying bottles, destroying the kitchen, finding hidden ones, pouring them down the sink. _

_"So.. I'm betting Jonathan never once mentioned my name." Mandy said quietly, looking at the dark eyed male._

_"Actually, he has, he just never told us about you himself. But he says it all the time when he's sleeping. I used to wonder who the hell Mandy was." Seth said as he smirked, ignoring Dean's glare, the growl._

_"Yeah. I tried to forget this bastard too, but lately, he's been on my mind." Mandy said quietly as she turned, stormed out of the room after giving Dean an uncertain look._

_"Well.. She's just a little ray of fuckin sunshine." Seth said quietly as Dean looked up and said through gritted teeth, "Look at her again like ya wanna fuck her, Rollins and die."_

_"Oh and she belongs to you?" Seth asked, challengingly. Mandy laughed from the doorway and said "I'd slit my own wrists before I let that motherfucker back in my heart." without even looking at Dean._

_Roman winced and then, he happened to look over at Dean, who was still pouring alcohol down the sink, well, he had been, but he'd stopped, was visibly biting his tongue, trying NOT to say something to Mandy._

_"What'd he do to you?" Seth asked innocently, and Mandy said quietly, "Oh? Ya mean he wasn't braggin to you two about past exploits? Well, this stud here.. He knocked me up, then we had a wreck together, and I lost the baby. Then he walked out on me when I needed him.. Two hours before our god damn wedding."_

_"Mandy, shut the fuck up. They didn't need to hear that shit." Dean growled as Mandy shrugged and said "Why hide it, though? I mean it's not like it hurt ya. I'm the one who's lived through hell and back. Alone. Where the fuck were ya? Out there, livin it up."  
_

_She wiggled into her jeans, grabbed her house key, and a bag from the hall then said "Don't wait up. And guys? I'm not always like this. He just brings out the worst in me since all that happened." before walking calmly out the door, making sure it slammed so hard behind her that a picture fell off the wall, the glass shattering._

O.o.O

Once she'd gone, Seth and Roman looked at each other, then at Dean, trying to process what she'd said just now, how angry she was. None of the men spoke. Dean stopped emptying the alcohol down the sink and looked up at them then said quietly, "She hides shit in the bedroom.. Since ya two showed up.. Mind goin in, gettin all that shit out of her room?"

"Why aren't you leaving?" Roman asked, as he studied his longtime friend carefully.

"Because, Reigns.. This is where it all went downhill for me. That fuckin shrink was right about one thing.. Comin back here was something I did have to do. But I might have done it too damn late. As fuckin usual." Dean said quietly, before muttering to himself, lighting a cigarette.

He went to pick up the picture that'd fallen off the wall, and the sonogram fluttered out of the burst open back, falling to the floor. For a moment, he stared at it, biting his lip. He was trying to tell himself that he'd have been a shitty god damn parent, that losing the baby was for the best, but even deep down, he just wasn't sure.

"Mandy.. I shoulda done something." he muttered before shutting the picture up in a drawer on the table. He sat down a moment, and Seth and Roman walked past, arms loaded with alcohol bottles, old ones, new ones. She could do whatever she wanted, say whatever she felt. But this time, he was going to at least try to make things right.

Because if he didn't, he knew deep down, within himself, within the saner part of his personality, that rationally, he'd always regret not doing it.

Even if she hated him, and he wanted to choke her because she stayed on her damn high horse with all her damn walls up.

Mandy sat on her friend's couch, as she thought about the volatile situation she'd walked out of moments before. And she just kept wondering why now of all times, he'd come back?

He didn't give two shits then. Why bother now?

A defeated sigh escaped her lips, and again, her eyes darted down to the small footprint tattoo on her wrist, her finger went to it as if on instinct and she traced it slowly.

Sometimes, she hated herself, but she wondered just how badly she'd have messed up at being a mother. And why her baby had to die.

As if on auto pilot, she stood and said "Marilyn? I'm gonna go back to my house." before texting the number that Jonathan had been texting her from.

Maybe if they got this out in the open, had that one final blowout of a violent angry fight, then they could both just move on already.

Dean's cell phone vibrated on the hallway table, and Roman picked it up, reading the text.

"It's your girl man.. She wants you to go get her. Alone. Said you'd know where to find her."

Dean grabbed his keys and then said "Stay here. Shouldn't take long. I know what's going on in her head. And if she thinks one violent and final argument's gonna make me change mine, she's forgotten how god damn stubborn I am."

He drove to the cemetary, he knew she'd be there. She'd put the stone up herself, after he left.. Or she thought he left. But he'd come back before signing on with CZW, and sat there, just looking at it sometimes when he wanted to escape.

And when he parked, and he saw her standing there, he walked over quietly. For a while, neither of them spoke...

" Ya wrong, ya know?" he finally said as he looked off in the distance, keeping his eyes cold, hard, his arms crossed.

"No, I'm not. Ya left." Mandy said as she bit her lower lip. He looked at her then said "C'mon, it's too god damn cold to stand out here. And I know what ya want to do. I'm not gonna do it in front of them."

"Oh but why not? It's not like he or she wouldn't have grown up in a god damn war zone, now is it?" Mandy asked as she turned to look at him slowly, her eyes filling with tears that she tried to hold back.


	6. Chapter 6

[PROLOGUE 6: LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE ]

_Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean  
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine  
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me  
But when it comes to love, you're just as blinded_

_Eminem Ft Rhianna, Love The Way You Lie_

* * *

_Mandy stiffened as he picked her up over his shoulder and grunting started carrying her towards his rental car. "Fucking put me down. We're gonna do this here, now." _

_"No, we're fuckin not. Not in front of the kid, god damn it." Dean said calmly, in a slightly uncharacteristically angry voice. _

_"Never fuckin stopped ya when we fought in front of your baby cousin." Mandy shot back, her arms hitting him, trying to get loose, run from him, go back to the empty grave and headstone that she visited at least three times a week at first, now she did once or twice a month._

_Time had dulled the pain, but it'd never take the pain away. Mandy wasn't an idiot, she knew this. That's why she used alcohol, her job and lots of one nights with strange men to dull the ache, kill the pain._

_Dean didn't answer her, instead, he aimed the key at the rental car, hit unlock and opened the passenger door, putting her inside. And then he remained quiet for a few moments, lighting a cigarette, because he was so fucking angry at her for just assuming he didn't honestly give a shit about what happened, that he'd left her because he didn't care._

_He left because he cared too much, he knew that grief was tearing them apart. He knew that they were too damn young, that getting married, being stuck together permanently, never would have fixed the problems they had before she lost the kid, nor the new ones that came after.  
_

_And just once, he wanted to be the one who walked away, not the one getting walked away from._

_"You're a bitch." he finally said as he exhaled a plume of smoke and then added, "Ya assume that I don't give a fuck."_

_"Ya didn't." Mandy said as she stared vacantly out of the window, getting a little calmer now, and hating herself for it. She wanted to keep hating him, she wanted to be angry with him, she wanted to be able to just turn her back, walk away._

_Hurt him like he hurt her._

_"Fuck you, Mandy. Ya know, you're not the only one who felt it. And ya only kept holdin on because ya hoped I'd change, I'd magically become a good guy after it happened. And when I didn't."_

_"Wrong, Jonathan. I never expected anything from you. You just assumed I did. And you scared yourself with all these stupid expectations that I never once said ya had to live up to. Then when I did need ya, ya left. And proved to me exactly why I never should have let ya close to me." Mandy said quietly, calmly, as she looked at him and then said "And I bet ya never once looked back."_

_When he didn't meet her eyes, she figured she was right, he wasn't even going to bother lying. Instead, he took a deep breath and said quietly, "Ya don't know a god damn thing about me."_

_"Yes, I do."_

_"Fuck this. Fuck this and fuck you." Dean said calmly, keeping his temper barely in check by now, because all he wanted to do was slap the taste out of her mouth right now, show her reality._

_" Fuck me? No, Jonathan, fuck you. Where do you get off telling me anything? Or least of all telling me that I don't know ya? Because believe me, I do." Mandy said quietly, as she tried to keep her voice from cracking, her eyes trained on the window._

_He heard the crack in her voice, and took a deep breath before saying quietly, " Mandy, fuckin look at me, now." and leaning over, making her look at him, not out the window._

_"Wanna know the fuckin sad part of it, Jon?" Mandy said a few moments later, as she bit her lip, twisted a strand of platinum blonde hair around her finger before finally looking up at him, waiting on him to urge her to continue._

_"What?" Dean asked, wondering what she was about to say, why she didn't just say it._

_" No matter what ya did to me, no matter what hell ya put me through.. I kept loving you. I never stopped. But it wasn't ever good enough. Nothing was ever good enough." Mandy said quietly, as she hit unlock, started to get out of the car, walk home. Maybe calling him to come get her hadn't been such a good idea, after all._

_"Mandy, wait, damn it." Dean said as he got out of the car, ran and grabbed her roughly. For a moment, he just looked at her. She was right in some ways, and then she was completely wrong, in others._

_It would have been enough, if he could let himself believe she meant it, and he could allow himself to let her in. But, he hadn't. _

_Then the fact remained that his career his longtime dream always came first. Beyond anything else, beyond reason. _

_Mandy glared, yanked her wrist free and then said "Just go. Leave again, . I don't want to be okay. I want to destruct and I want to do it in fuckin peace. I.. It was a mistake to call ya to come get me tonight."_

_"No it wasn't. God damn it, Mandy, come back to the fuckin car."_

_He picked her up and carried her back, threw her into the passenger seat, starting the car, driving to the house. Mandy didn't look at him a single time on the way there. She stayed quiet mostly, she'd seen something in his eyes that both scared her and made her worried for him._

_And she knew he wasn't telling her everything._

O.o.O

She'd fallen asleep on the ride back to her house, which was good. It gave Dean plenty of time to think about their argument about twenty minutes ago before they left the cemetary. And he realized that she needed help just as badly as he needed help.

And that was saying something, because deep down, he knew he needed it in the worst of ways. But they were both a victim of their pasts, the lives they'd been forced into, and their own fears.

He pulled into the driveway, and Roman walked out, then said "Man.. Seth found a shit ton of pills in her nightstand. We got all the alcohol out though."

Dean looked down at her and then said quietly, "I'm gonna explain this to ya. I mean ya didn't have to come all the fuckin way to Ohio."

"Yeah, we were wondering if you were going to say anything about her, about coming back here, anything. Man, we're supposed to be like brothers." Roman pointed out as Dean nodded and carried Mandy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes up the stairs and into the house, then down the hall, where he put her into the bed in her room.

Once he was out, he sat down, didn't speak for a moment. "Our moms worked together.. So, she stayed around me a lot.. And we were friends, all close and shit."

Roman nodded and Seth asked, "And you wound up dating her. And it fucked up.. Right?"

"In the worst of ways.. Look, I don't fucking want to talk about what happened, because.. I just don't, but trust me.. She's mine. She will always be mine. It's just always fuckin been that way." Dean said as he sipped his beer slowly, looked at the other two males in the room.

"So you came back to do what?"

"Came back to fix something I should have fixed a long time ago." Dean said as he leaned back in his chair, lit a cigarette, then said quietly, "We both lost something huge. And at the time, I didn't think it would hurt me, thought I'd bounce back.. But I'm realizing now, that's just not true."

The other two men raised their brows and looked at one another. Dean didn't have to say what they'd lost, because Roman found the sonogram in the back of the picture frame of the picture that'd broken when he went into the drawer in the hallway table, to make sure there was nothing she could get her hands on to take left.

"So, basically, you're trying to say that she needs you as much as you needed to see her?" Roman asked quietly as Dean shrugged casually, pretending indifference.

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't fuckin need anyone." Dean said quietly, listening out for her, thinking he heard her crying or something.

He got up, walked to the bedroom and peeked in, then sighed and shut the door firmly. Too much they'd already discussed in one night. Maybe they should get some sleep, talk more in the morning. Then he'd tell her why he was here exactly, what the therapist told him.

And he'd go from there.

All he did know was that he wasn't leaving until he had this solved to HIS satisfaction. Because he was doing this for him, not anyone else.

And he'd keep telling himself that until he honestly believed it.


End file.
